I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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