I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
