No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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