we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You can't motorboat a personality
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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