Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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