the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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