i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
