walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
