I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Well I just put wine in my tea
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I want a musical about memes.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
