you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
