Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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