If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
