alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
