my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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