Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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