grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
