you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize