I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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