just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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