My hand turned me down
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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