Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
