she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i came on her dog
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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