when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
