I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
