I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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