To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
