I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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