I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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