im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
