Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
A+ Viking dick
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize