hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
