I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
