I wish my penis had an off switch
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We are all done wearing pants today
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
