Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
