I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
