forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
