Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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