who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
