I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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