I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
