When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
In other news, I just burned my penis
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
