Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
