An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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