wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
