He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
