dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
