my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
