he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
