I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
