Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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