i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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